Hi everyone! Haven't posted for a while. That's because I've been having some interesting adventures in the world of swingers, and I'm up for air for a few days before plunging in again.
One of the people I'm in touch with called AdultFriendFinder the wild wild west with no rules. Don't know if Sherper would agree but it is certainly, ah, different than anything I've experienced before. I did get to have real live sex for the first time in a LONG time..... The jury is out on whether I'm going to really get into this kind of hooking up, but I'm still experimenting.
Hum, Enigmatic.... There's this. After my first experience, I wonder if I can have real sexual pleasure without emotional connection. It's only ONE experience, so that's why the jury is out. It seemed that the couple and I were doing everything that should have resulted in orgasm, but it didn't happen. It was frustrating, although the rest of it was certainly pleasurable.
A good thing: I posted a completely honest picture of me as my profile picture. It's a pic of me lying in my bed, naked, about half of me showing, smiling into the camera. No makeup, my hair is barely combed. (I hadn't planned to use this pic for my profile, I just took it in a moment of whimsy.) I used it because I didn't want people to think they were getting something other than a 50+ woman.
The good thing is that people were interested enough in my looks to check my profile. I know that single women are in demand in the swinger lifestyle (a lot of couples want single women but not single men), but still, it is nice to be told that I'm attractive enough to spark interest. It's been a while since I've gotten that message.
Many people complain on the site complain that they get messages from people, respond, and then hear nothing back. While this HAS happened to me, I've found more people who do respond and are nice. Maybe it's because I am not a hot babe and the people I attract are interested in my profile rather than just my pictures? Don't know.
Since that first experience, I've met two other couples that might be a better fit. Those experiences are coming next week (that's when I'm plunging back in).
Over all people in the lifestyle vary in level of participation and interest. Like anything else in this great world people have likes and dislikes, fantasies and fetishes. But for the most part people are very accepting and nonjudgmental. There are some who do not last; the lifestyle isn't their cup of tea. There are some whose personality is corrosive in their every day life and it is fueled in this lifestyle. There are a few couples who think this is the answer to save their marriages, it is not. If you have a good sound relationship this will strengthen it more, make it bigger. If you are on rocky ground it will finish it off for good. The lifestyle is for women, couples. Yes there are single/solo men. Some actually are true lifestylers. But for the most part they are the living breathing sex toys for those actually in the lifestyle that is why many clubs and groups do not allow single/solo men or unescorted single/solo men.
The lifestyle allows a woman, married/single/solo to be a sexual person without judgment. To be with others who are sexual and can be free about their sexuality. In short women are told from the day they are old enough to comprehend that they are not to touch there. That they carry the burden to protect their bodies from others. That some how they are less than because they have a vagina and are the fault of any sexual desire from those around them and if they have a desire or act on sexual thought they are somehow perverse and not a normal human female. That they are at fault in every sexual situation and if that is not enough society places a "look" criteria with sexual desire and performance. Ah it is a man's world right? Not in the lifestyle. Most any woman at any age, any body shape, no matter what they think of themselves after being in the lifestyle for some time walk away with a deep feeling of empowerment and self worth. They are in control of themselves and their bodies and can choose what they wish. A very powerful feeling. A very powerful thing realizing you have the power of choice, of desire and that they are a desireable woman.
Your portrayal of this lifestyle is a terrific commentary. The emancipation of women allowing both their sexual stereotypes and hang-ups to be minimalized (or eliminated) is such an attraction to be free of social criticism. Of course, sex is fun, and to play the enjoyment game is a right and privelege. Many things are learned from being able to test one's fidelity and trust (especially for those in committed relationships). And ther is no pretext, but to enjoy a freer sexual lifestyle. But I take exception that this is what most women are all about, yes to sexual emancipation, yes to a different level of sharing, and yes to shunning the sg=hackles of sexual taboo and motive interference in the bedroom, but a strong feeling of the missing part to the emotional needs of not just women, but partnered life. family and social conscience. So much of a women's (and men in a quite different way, but necertheless present) sexual health, and sexual well being is coupled with the emotional aspects that go so much further than the wild rolls in the hay and games. Sure it's great fun, and it makes you feel good about yourself physically. To me going out to play Sexual Bridge is not what encompasses the kind of intimate love making, with the reinforcement of love, commitment and sharing that monogamous couples have. If your relationship stinks, then get out, or as you said this lifestyle will separate you quickly.
Thank you.....I think. But I do not think anyone’s lifestyle will stand up to social criticism...of course why should it. And before anyone takes offense, I am not writing against anyones choices, morals, beliefs or practices. We all choose what is best for ourselves. I wrote above and now in general, not directed at anyone in hopes of giving a more broad understanding this lifestyle. There are limits in time and space available to be to detailed.
The practices of consenting adults short of breaking the law and harming others is only the business and only the responsibility of those consenting adults. And, the last thing I or anyone needs to do is to promote this lifestyle. This lifestyle is sought after by those interested: researched, discussed and visited by adults looking for something different every day. These adults choose to join and enjoy attending socials and participating at various levels every weekend in every corner of the US as well as the industrialized world.
It is not, nor did I intend the meaning of what I said to be mistakenly taken that all women are needing or searching for this. That would be absurd. And to think that this replaces or would replace the closeness between couples would equally be mistaken. We could write at length on the current moral of the monogamous lifestyles of couples, how well its fidelity truly stands in society and the actual consistency of sex only with emotional attachment let alone how long this actually survives between two consenting adults over a lifetime. I am afraid it would be long, tedious and very very boring.
And this is not a shot at trying to recruit anyone here from this site or any other. Like I said this lifestyle doesn't recruit. We do not have people calling during dinner hour to talk on the phone to speak of the benefits or knocking on doors to "witness" to others the joy they found in something else and why you to should join them as well.
Sex after all is not the answer, it is the benefit, of two consenting adults. Nothing more. The ability to give ones self pleasure or in that persons choosing, those that have joined him or her. For some it is only sex play, for others there is a varying amount of emotional attachment to some degree as a close friendship without the sexual barrier being in place.
I will also state from our years of living this lifestyle that it is a happy mix of all. There is the ability to over do. Those that can and do live this as an extra in life, a benefit and can treat sexual play with others as an extricular activity gain a whole new level of friendship, a second circle of friends, a alternate social circle of friends where letting your self go and enjoy socially areas of life you many normally never enjoy, a sense of freedom, not having to stand on certain social graces. Like I said it is important to remember it is not all about sex.
This Friday we will have our monthly social gathering. It is at a local restaurant lounge. There are normally thirty to forty of us from 8:00pm till closing. We do drink but none to excess. Several will exercise their voices during Karaoke, many will dance and some will play pool. It will be an evening of laughter song and dance. It is a social gathering in a social place. The people are trades people, nurses, doctors, those involved with local politics, business people, retail people, some clergy of some religions......no priests......we have a few in the science field and some great engineers with design patents. It breaches all social tiers. Those who drive in on Harleys, Junker cars, luxury cars, soccer mom vans and two in limos....go figure. That is but one group, one party out of six in southern New Hampshire alone.
The lifestyle is broad, covers many participants. The players are your plumber, doctor, lawyer, town selectmen, retail clerk, super market check out person and the succor mom down the street. The business woman, vice president of sales, CEO and the lady school bus driver. It is the teacher of your child’s class at school, your cousin, brother, sister or your best friends mother and father. Point is those that participate do not advertise their choice, you would not know, nor should you.
It is a lifestyle, a chosen activity, something they do for themselves, their own enjoyment as well as for others. It never takes the place of a loving relationship, making love or dating. It is for some a nice addition to it. A chosen extricular activity.
I feel like I have to comment again about this after Dr. Yes and Sherper's discussion.
My thoughts about the direction the discussion took are these. I said in my earlier post that I didn't know if I could have a fulfilling sexual experience w/o the emotional attachment Dr. Yes was writing about. And I said the jury is still out on that.
At this point in my life I don't think (not completely sure about this) that I want the emotional attachment of a full time partner. I have built a good life w/o a partner and I don't think I want to do the work and go through the emotional upheaval finding and keeping a partner would entail. I've lived partner-less for almost 25 years. To hell with it, I'm fine on my own.
This all worked very well until boom, my sexuality burst out of its hibernation and out of the blue I became a passionate sexual woman. Things became complicated. What do I do with that passion? Sex toys, good. I do love my sex toys. Maybe in the end masturbation will be the best answer.
Still, I asked myself if it would be better with real live human beings? It must be, I told myself, because after all that's what other people do. But where does a 50+ woman find a sex partner? I can't exactly go downtown and hang out at bars (especially in my small, college town). Men are not falling over trying to find me, either. I even started looking at Craig's list.
That's where the swinging idea came from. AFF is a step up from Craig's list. I do not have to sit at a bar or do some of the other things people do to meet people. All the time that would take, I'd be a 60+ woman and still not have found someone. There's a time limit here. Who knows how long my new sexuality will last?
It might end up being totally wrong for me and I might regret it. But at least I'll regret doing something rather than regretting sitting back and passively playing it safe.
A Proud Member of Clitical's Dirty Old Man Club Maximum Member
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Kim- I'm trying to think how to say this without offending or hurting you, because the intent is not to do so... If it comes across the wrong way, it is due to my lack of being able to adequately communicate my ideas...
I know that as an older adult (not old), the fear of getting into an emotional relationship could be strong because of the number of things that could go wrong....you could get sick, they could get sick, they could cause you emotional hurt, you may get to a certain point where you wonder if the effort was worth it....and a host of other possibilities. It would certainly make one wonder if the effort would be worth it.
Maybe it is just the romantic in me, but I would have to emphatically say yes. Yes, it is easier on the young. They have much more potential time in their lives to find that great romance. However, I have to ask 'why should the quest to find that great love in life be limited to the young?' Can someone in their 80's find a fulfilling and lasting love? Why not? Is not the possibility of finding that spark enough to make the quest worthwhile? I feel it is.
I'm a hopeless romantic. It is my nature to believe this way. In my mind, the sexual nature of our being is closer to the animal in us, however the ability to love and to fall in love is what separates us from other animals. I am very much a dog person and some might construe a dog's feelings for its owner as love, but I would call it friendship and loyalty.....completely separate from love.
You have to do what you feel deep down you need to do. Don't put yourself in a situation where someday you are on your deathbed saying , 'It was a good life, but I really wish I had......' Others who have been around here for awhile know the story, but my child number 4 is our angel. She was not planned and came around just before I was supposed to get a vasectomy. I got it finally just before she was born. 11 years ago, at the age of 2 months and 18 days, she died of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). She appeared to be a perfectly healthy baby girl and she died in her sleep.....and nothing could be found that was wrong with her... After some time for grief, my wife and I decided that we wanted to have another child. We did not want our last memory of having a baby was it dying. We did not want that to be the last memory of our other children. We took a chance on having a vasectomy reversal. Our thought process in this? If we tried it and it didn't work, it is only money and time lost. We never wanted to be at a point someday saying 'I really wish we had just tried to have another child.' Fortunately, we were blessed to have one more. However, the point is that we felt we had to at least give it a try.
At this point, I've kind of lost my train of thought, but I hope I have been able to express myself. I think you could bring some person out there tremendous happiness and they to you.....but it is up to you to dig down deep and figure out what you want or need from this life......
Oh, Dadof5, I've got tears in my eyes, not from what you said about me, but from what you wrote about you. I can't express how sorry I am about your baby. And you write about it so eloquently.
You certainly said nothing that would hurt my feelings. Since you were so open, I'll be totally open (not as if I haven't been before just a little more so). I suppose I could put it like this: you play with the cards you are dealt. For many years I looked for the person to share my life with. Over and over. Nothing ever came of it. Zip, nada. I said in the earlier post that I've been partner-less for twenty five years. It isn't as if I said to myself: self, let's live alone for the rest of our lives, just you and me.
But after a while, you have to decide to accept reality and make your own happiness. I can't think: oh, some day I'm going to find that person. Because all that does is make you unhappy with the way things are now. Been there, done that. No more.
I might still stumble onto "the person". But I'm not holding my breath.
A Proud Member of Clitical's Dirty Old Man Club Maximum Member
Posts: 2,768
Gender: Male
Thanks, Kim...I've had a lot of practice....I have told the story many times to emphasize that point. We have to embrace life with both arms and take everything we can out of it because we never know how much longer we or our loved ones will be with us. We spent a long time with a support group of other parents who had gone through the same thing. Just as others helped us deal with our grief, we were able to help others out in dealing with their own. Her body is gone, but I know her spirit is always with me and that loss will be put towards helping for a greater good. It is fine to be at peace with your situation, but keep your eyes open. I'm not saying you have to be waiting by the phone.....but don't become so busy with your life or as entrenched in your comfort zone that you can't see something that might be right before your eyes. Perhaps your sexual awakening was your mind telling yourself that it is ok for you to experience pleasure (maybe not quite the right word?) and perhaps even love. I truly hope you find both.
What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?
I suppose one might call this "thread drift", but...
I, too, had tears in my eyes as I read your emotional, thoughtful message about the loss of your beloved child. We've known one or two other couples who endured such losses, and I know the pain cannot be adequately described, even though you've done a pretty good job of sharing some of it with all of us. For what it might be worth, I'd offer a friendly hug of sympathy, were we close enough to manage it.
We lost two along the way (miscarriages -- one in the 5th month), and they were very painful, too, especially, obviously, to my wife. Thankfully, we ended up with three beautiful, wonderful children, but, as she says, who would those others have been? What might they have been like? Your loss had to be far worse, of course, and I'm only happy that you and your wife DO have other children to appreciate and nurture. I'll bet you're wonderful parents.
I agree that we all need to enjoy this life and all that it offers us.
I wish you peace and happiness in the years ahead.
Dadof5, I am so touched by your story and your power to go forward and complete your family. When we are touched with tragic occurences, it brings out so much of not just the negative, but the great forces of humanism and good sense, built on faith and support from friends and family. I truly salute you and your whole family for your handling of the grief and pain. God Bless all of you and all of your very fortunate children.
A Proud Member of Clitical's Dirty Old Man Club Maximum Member
Posts: 2,768
Gender: Male
Thanks, all...I vowed that her short life would not be in vain. She has been my inspiration to make things better in this world not only for my kids but for other kids as well. As a result, I like to treat life with gusto and optimism because it is too short to let go to waste.
What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?
My roller coaster ride continues. I'm continuing to meet people from two different swinger websites. I have had dinner with a very nice couple and will continue to see them. Sometimes things are very hectic; sometimes they are quieter.
The next big adventure is a Halloween party next weekend, which I'm attending with my couple. I'm having great fun putting together a costume, ah, hum... not designed for your kids' Halloween get together. The shoes alone, well, red pumps with 5" heels...with fishnet hose. Got my flogger at the Halloween shop, 'cause I'm going as a switch. Domme side taken care of. Now I need the collar for the sub side.
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